Tumultuous Tuesdays....

There is a world in which I calmly and rationally deal with the little hiccups life throws my way. You know the type – the unexpected car repair, family drama and most especially, PMS. In this world, I take a deep breath, count to ten, and take a few extra moments to remind myself of all of the wonderful things in my life. At the risk of sounding immodest, I must confide what a wonderful environment it truly is. Instead of allowing my emotions to get the best of me, and saying hurtful things to those people whom I love the most, there is something intrinsic which stops the urge even before the first word has formed on my lips. It is the place I have aspired to for my entire adult life and the view is truly incredible. Well, that’s what my minds eye tells me anyway. I’ve never actually seen this place in real life, but oh does it thrive in the open spaces of my mind. Some days it seems closer than others, but never close enough to touch. I keep hoping that age and wisdom will bring it within my grasp, but the only wisdom I can authentically claim is in the fact that I am quite a lucky girl, with quite a charmed life. I have parents who love me and have made more sacrifices than I will ever know, and a Greek god for a boyfriend whose sole mission in life is to go out and slay all the dragons in my path, whether real or perceived. Despite everything going on in his crazy, busy life, he takes the time to listen to me, try to help me and, in his own words, to “just make me smile.” I also friends who are never more than a phone call away-anytime day or night. Friends who will spend hours on the phone with me, laughing, crying, cheerleading and chastising, all in perfect love. These are the things I know without any reservation or hesitancy in my heart. You may ask yourself how someone repays so much kindness and good fortune and gives something back to those people who have given her so much. It’s the million-dollar question. I should know, I spend hours pondering the answer and always coming up with lofty ideas only end up with broken promises to myself and more importantly, to those I love so much. How many times can you really say “I’m sorry I lost my temper/mind/grip on reality (insert appropriate emotion here) and expect it to hold any water? How many times can you slap away the hand reached out to help you and expect that it should be readily offered again the next time you lose your footing? How much patience do even the most wonderful saints possess for such a lost cause? I do not know. These are the questions, which keep me awake at night, tossing and turning. The answers to which escape me as easily as the sleep I so desperately need. Before you judge too harshly, you should know the depths and lengths to which I go to fiord the chasm I alone seem to recreate every day or, at least once a week. I try to refocus, reframe and regroup, all to the point of utter exhaustion. I read books, listen to podcasts and give myself stern lectures, which loop through my mind in constant “autoplay” mode. There is nothing I want in life more than to be to these people who love me so much, everything they deserve, and all that they represent to me. I kid you not, I want it more than my next breath, than my next meal, or my next moment of rest. Some days, my efforts seem to be fruitful, and I feel pretty good about the person I am and have high hopes for the person I want to become. But most days, I lose my temper, I behave selfishly and pout when things don’t go exactly the way I’d planned. Then, life throws something relatively minor at me, and I flip my lid completely, sending myself and everyone around me into a tailspin, flailing about so panicked and afraid, I almost pull those people I love most into the rapidly swirling currents and resist all efforts made to grab on to the boat, relax and enjoy my margarita before the ice melts. Why do I do this? What is so innately wrong with my wiring that I take people for granted, and do the very things I try so hard not to do? How many more miles do I have to go before reality reaches that rational place in my mind’s eye? I do not know. Perhaps I will never know. But as for now, with gas prices so high, it is proving to be quite an expensive trip. I hope, for everyone’s sake, that when I actually reach my destination, there still be someone there to leave the light on, open the door and welcome me after a tough journey.